Ask Phil: Feeling Rejected
As a therapist, I work with clients on improving their mental health. As a screenwriter, I work with writers on improving their craft. This column will be a place where I can do both. This week, I answer a question about dealing with rejection.
Many of the problems we face as screenwriters are related to the reality of the craft: third act structure, navigating notes, character development, the pitch process, etc. At the same time, there are personal and emotional issues that influence the practical work: imposter syndrome, the inner critic, shame and anger, professional jealousy, etc. I have the screenwriting experience to address questions about the practical aspects of the work, and the therapy experience to explore the personal and emotional considerations that inform the work of screenwriting.
My email address will be at the end of every column, so please send in your questions and comments about life at the intersection of screenwriting and mental health. It’s a busy intersection!
Dear Phil,
I’m in a bad place right now, screenwriting wise. I finally finished a feature spec I had been working on for two years, but the feedback I’m getting from producers is not great. I also wrote a TV pilot I was really excited about but everyone found a different reason to pass on it. I just can’t seem to write anything that anyone actually likes. How do I deal with all this rejection?
Signed, Feeling Rejected
Dear Feeling Rejected,
Finally, a question about screenwriting that avoids the clinical topics of narrative structure and formatting style and cuts right to the heart of what it means to be a screenwriter: Dealing with rejection!
Rejection is something everyone encounters at various points in their lives, but for screenwriters rejection is a feeling we should learn to get especially comfortable with because we deal with it so much. We experience it in varying degrees our entire careers. Either people like our scripts or they don’t, and it can seem like most of the time they don’t. We certainly hear “no” more than we hear “yes”. That’s just the nature of the job. It sounds like right now you’re dealing with a lot of rejection all at the same time, Feeling Rejected, so let’s unpack how that affects you.
When people read our scripts and give us feedback, they are thinking about our script; the characters, plot, structure, etc. We, however (subconsciously at least), can often feel like this feedback represents the reader’s opinion not of our script but of ourselves.
The scripts we write represent us, they embody our voice and our personality, and when someone tells us they don’t like our work this can easily make us feel like they don’t like us. The note from a friend about how he doesn’t understand what your main character wants might trigger you because the main character is reflective of you, and maybe deep down you don’t understand what you want.
Ask Phil: Unhappy Writing Partner
Rejection from a producer regarding a script we wrote can cause the same physical and emotional reactions in us as the rejection from our 7th grade crush regarding our query to go steady (I’m looking at you, Rebecca Goldfarb). This rejection makes us feel sad and alone, like we’re not invited to the party or cool enough for the club. Rejection is one of the hardest parts of screenwriting to deal with (after deciding which font to use on a cover page).
It feels like you’re in an emotionally fragile place when you refer to your scripts not getting any positive feedback, Feeling Rejected, so one thing I would encourage you to do is remind yourself that what’s being rejected are your scripts, and not yourself. If you feel like all these passes are about you personally, it makes it that much harder to get fired up to write that next great spec that will change your career trajectory.
Some people hear these no’s and stop when they encounter them. Others ignore the no’s and keep pushing until they find someone who gives them a yes. Between these poles lie the majority of us, who struggle with rejection at various points in our careers and have to fight through it to keep producing material in a way that honors the whole reason we got into this business in the first place: to express ourselves on the page. We need that passion, that belief in ourselves, that Charlie Brown confidence that this time Lucy’s going to let us kick that ball. That kind of drive is what enables us to succeed.
Ask Phil: Learning to Set Professional Boundaries
Take care of yourself during this time, Feeling Rejected. Get your mind off those feelings of rejection and back onto your life in the moment. Exercise, eat well, practice mindfulness in whatever form works for you. Pick up on a non-writing related project to get your mind off the screenwriting work. Give yourself the space to get excited about that next project, the one that’s still going to be rejected by most of the readers but will eventually find its way into the hands of that one person who says yes. Because that yes is out there! We just have to go through a lot of no's to find it.
Therapist and screenwriter Phil Stark answers reader questions about topics at the intersection of screenwriting and mental health. Got a question for Phil? Email him at starktalktherapy@gmail.com
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Phil Stark is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist in Los Angeles. He is also an author and screenwriter, with credits such as Dude, Where’s My Car?, That ‘70s Show, and South Park, along with a book about talk therapy, Dude, Where’s My Car-tharsis?. Learn more about Phil at starktalk.net.
