Ask Phil: Unhappy Writing Partner
As a therapist, I work with clients on improving their mental health. As a screenwriter, I work with writers on improving their craft. This column will be a place where I can do both. This week, I answer a question about working out the rough patches in your writing partnership.
Many of the problems we face as screenwriters are related to the reality of the craft: third act structure, navigating notes, character development, the pitch process, etc. At the same time, there are personal and emotional issues that influence the practical work: imposter syndrome, the inner critic, shame and anger, professional jealousy, etc. I have the screenwriting experience to address questions about the practical aspects of the work, and the therapy experience to explore the personal and emotional considerations that inform the work of screenwriting.
My email address will be at the end of every column, so please send in your questions and comments about life at the intersection of screenwriting and mental health. It’s a busy intersection!
Dear Phil,
I hate my writing partner! We can’t agree on anything, from third act twists to what to get for lunch, and I think our writing is suffering as a result. I don’t want to break up though, because the town sees us as a team and we have several projects we’re developing with producers, but I admit I fantasize about writing on my own. Help!
Signed, Unhappy Writing Partner
Dear Unhappy Writing Partner,
Writing teams are a special type of relationship, something people outside the entertainment industry are often surprised by (You mean you have to split the money?). I work with writing teams in my capacity as a therapist, and while they have their considerations specific to the industry and screenwriting, they are similar to romantic relationships in that they involve two people who need help learning to identify and state their needs in a healthy way, with the hope that this is a step along the path to a happier and more successful relationship.
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It sounds like your issues go beyond third act twists or lunch orders. Perhaps it’s time to have a serious talk about the future of your partnership? I ask because this situation reminds me of something I work on with couples when they express similar unhappiness with their situations, which is the vocalization of a super scary word: Divorce. Mentioning it doesn’t mean it’s going to happen, but it sure makes things serious all of a sudden. If you are truly interested in changing the relationship with your writing partner, be open and honest with how unhappy you are. Talk about your feelings and your fears without trying to anticipate or manage theirs. Mentioning the idea of breaking up will certainly be scary, but just hearing those words might open up an area of conversation that had been up until now avoided. It’s a record scratch moment that can give you and your partner the perspective to see the big picture.
I would also recommend thinking about couples therapy. The approaches therapists use with romantic couples are often the same ones used with writing teams, in terms of open communication, honest assessment, and providing a a safe place to talk about scary topics. I would advise you to tell your writing partner what you’re telling me, get the truth out there, point out the elephant in the room, and see what shakes out. I’ve known several writing teams that have reached this point in their careers, and it’s a common development. Some of these writing teams were able to process and overcome their conflict and continue their work together in a happier, more rewarding way. Some of these writing teams decided to break up, and for each writer there was a process of personal growth and career adjustment that resulted in them eventually being much happier than they had been in their partnership.
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All relationships hit their lulls or rocky patches, Unhappy Writing Partner, but sometimes we experience longer periods of unhappiness that make us questions what we’re doing. The issue for many people is how long it takes us to work up the courage to confront this scary truth and try to do something about it. It’s scary to think about the change that would occur as a result of breaking up with your writing partner, or even bringing up the idea, but from what I’m hearing you are ready for some kind of change, and you’re finally getting to the point where the pain of your current situation is starting to outweigh the pain of making that change. So talk about the scary things with your partner in an honest way, and no matter what the results are, you will be better off for it.
Therapist and screenwriter Phil Stark answers reader questions about topics at the intersection of screenwriting and mental health. Got a question for Phil? Email him at starktalktherapy@gmail.com
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Phil Stark is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist in Los Angeles. He is also an author and screenwriter, with credits such as Dude, Where’s My Car?, That ‘70s Show, and South Park, along with a book about talk therapy, Dude, Where’s My Car-tharsis?. Learn more about Phil at starktalk.net.
