Ask Phil: Learning to Set Professional Boundaries
Welcome to a brand new Script Magazine column, Ask Phil. As a therapist, I work with clients on improving their mental health. As a screenwriter, I work with writers on improving their craft. This column will be a place where I can do both.
Welcome to a brand new Script Magazine column, Ask Phil. I’m Phil Stark, the screenwriter behind the movie Dude, Where’s My Car?, and the therapist behind the book Dude, Where’s My Car-tharsis? As a therapist, I work with clients on improving their mental health. As a screenwriter, I work with writers on improving their craft. This column will be a place where I can do both.
Many of the problems we face as screenwriters are related to the reality of the craft: third act structure, navigating notes, character development, the pitch process, etc. At the same time, there are personal and emotional issues that influence the practical work: imposter syndrome, the inner critic, shame and anger, professional jealousy, etc. I have the screenwriting experience to address questions about the practical aspects of the work, and the therapy experience to explore the personal and emotional considerations that inform the work of screenwriting.
My email address will be at the end of every column, so please send in your questions and comments about life at the intersection of screenwriting and mental health. It’s a busy intersection!
Dear Phil:
I’m a newbie trying to break into the business. I’m currently writing a feature for a producer who I met at a pitch fest, and at first I was excited to have someone want me to write something, but this script has become a never-ending project. I keep getting notes, keep writing drafts, and keep thinking I’m finished, but there’s always another note to take and another draft to write. I know I should stand up for myself but I don’t have any credits to my name, and this could be a great opportunity for me. Help!
-- Feeling Like a Pushover
Dear Feeling Like a Pushover,
The situation you find yourself in is, unfortunately, all too common. Who’s to say when a script is actually finished? It’s hard enough when you’re making this decision on your own. Throw in a producer with a passion for giving notes and I can see why you’re frustrated. This situation is a perfect example of the struggle to balance every day mental health issues with entertainment industry considerations, so thanks for the question.
What we’re dealing here with is a boundary issue. The concept of boundaries is something that comes up regularly in my clinical work. A boundary is a limit or space between you and another person, an understanding of what both people want or don’t want, and a mutual respect for that. I am assuming by your chosen name of Feeling Like a Pushover that this pushover feeling might extend beyond this specific example to other areas of your life. Situations where you want (or don't want) something and the person on the other side of the situation doesn’t respect that. You’re frustrated about not getting what you want, and have a hard time saying what you don't want.
Working with clients dealing with issues like this involves putting them in uncomfortable positions. No, not Headstand with Lotus Legs. I’m talking about having them do something they find truly difficult: saying what they don’t want. On a practical level this is simple: when sometime asks something of you that you don’t want to do, you simply say no. Now, when I bring this up with clients who self identify as pushovers they often shudder or shake their head incredulously, as if I’m asking them to do something impossible.
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The reason they find it so difficult to say no is because they are scared of how the person is going to react. What if they get angry? What if they’re disappointed? What if they make me feel guilty? Well, the truth is that's exactly what they will do, because they know this will cause you to cave in and do what they want you to do. The work in therapy then becomes about separating how other people feel about you from how you feel about yourself. Sure, this person might be angry that you said no to them, and this can make you feel guilty or ashamed, but who’s really got the problem here? Have you really done anything to feel guilty or ashamed about? Usually you haven't. It’s the person who can’t respect your boundaries who, instead of feeling these feelings themselves, is making you feel them.
Of course, this situation plays out differently considering the entertainment industry angle. Sure, you can tell your partner you don’t want to walk the dog in the morning, and they might react unpleasantly, but you’re coming at it from a place of equals, as two people in a relationship. What happens if you say no to this producer? Well, I’m guessing at first he’ll try to steamroll you, to convince you it’s not that much work, to dangle the carrot of possible future success in front of you. If that doesn’t work, there might be another attempt with more anger and threats, with bullying, the you’ll-never-work-in-this-town approach.
I can see you nodding your head, Feeling Like a Pushover, but the truth is, we don’t know what will happen. Situations like this make me think of the classic bully / victim dynamic, where the bully keeps picking on their victim until they encounter resistance. This is the idea that it sometimes takes a punch to the nose to get the bully to back off. So my advice is, punch this producer in the nose! (METAPHOR ALERT). This punch will arrive in the form of a clear, direct statement, where you say something like, “I’m frustrated that this project is never ending, so I’m going to do one more draft, but after that, I’ll be moving on to other projects.”
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The more simply and directly you state your feelings, the harder it will be for the producer to twist your words against you. And honestly, if this producer continues to try to manipulate you, you might be better off quitting the project and moving on to a healthier situation.
This is not just a work dynamic for you, Feeling Like a Pushover. It’s a life dynamic. So don’t feel like you have to solve your issue with this producer right away. Start small, with situations from your everyday life. Practice saying no, and why. Learning to say no to little things will prepare you to be able to say no to bigger things, and by practicing this you will be setting boundaries that will create happier situations in your work and your life.
Therapist and screenwriter Phil Stark answers reader questions about topics at the intersection of screenwriting and mental health. Got a question for Phil? Email him at starktalktherapy@gmail.com
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Phil Stark is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist in Los Angeles. He is also an author and screenwriter, with credits such as Dude, Where’s My Car?, That ‘70s Show, and South Park, along with a book about talk therapy, Dude, Where’s My Car-tharsis?. Learn more about Phil at starktalk.net.
