Terri Coduri Viani breaks down what's on every writers stocking stuffer wishlist this holiday season. Forget the fancy pen. See what writers really want!
The fa-la-la is upon on and writers around the world are doing their inky best to be good so Santa grants their every wish. I recently scored a sit-down with the Jolly Old Elf himself, and he told me these are...
The Top Ten Stocking Stuffers on Every Writer’s List
1) Representation. Because some days it feels like the only way we’re gonna get a manager is if a chubby humanitarian drops one down our chimney.
2) A Simple Yes, as in YES, we want to read the whole thing, set it up, take it to series. Is there anything a writer hears less than yes? Okay maybe we'd like to pay you for your work but look Santa's an elf not a miracle worker. Put the eggnog down and don't get carried away.
3) Pitch Perfect Timing, so our riveting bio-pic about the guy who invented the plastic tips on shoelaces lands on a producer’s desk just as she's wondering who invented the plastic tips on shoelaces. Next thing you know, you’re collecting your Oscar for An Aglet is Born.
4) Forever Hot Bottomless Coffee to motor us through late night and early morning writing sessions when the kitchen seems two-continents-and-three-cats-to-trip-over away.
5) Extroverted Doppelgängers who will take the meetings, network the events, and compose the erudite emails for us in five breezy minutes. These doppelgängers are exactly like their writers minus the nervous party laughter and stink of desperation.
6) Paid Gigs. “Here Santa, I bought you these cookies with the #exposurebucks I earned working for free.” Normally I'd make a sour face at this point but I’m trying to be good therefore *bats eyes at Santa instead.*
7) The Kindness of Strangers. It’s one thing for your mom to love your work but another for a stranger to reach out to tell you that thing you wrote and sent out into world wrapped in expectation and hope made a difference in his life.
8) A Galaxy Far Far Away because somewhere in this godforsaken universe there has GOT to be a planet where being plopped in front of a computer for hours on end is the healthy option. “Apologies, Earthling, but we have no word for exercise in the Zootleebootian language.” It’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s every writer in the Milky Way jet-packing off to Planet Zootleeboot. But can you get a decent cup of coffee there?
9) The Accidental Bookstore Lockup because Santa knows how many writers have this fantasy. It goes something like this: The store closes while we’re in the bathroom. Somehow in this age of iPhones, and, yes, some people still have landlines, there’s just no way for us to contact the outside world. Therefore the intrepid writer must spend the night in the store with all the books, not to mention the World's Comfiest Armchair and an unlikely bookstore supply of our favorite snacks. Was this ever an episode of Fantasy Island? I'll bet it was on Zootleeboot.
10) Any way you could bring William Goldman back?