Movie Review: Paranormal Activity 3

I've had enough activity for one day.

****DISCLAIMER**** This review is for entertainment purposes only. Note to self: Do not eat tacos and bean burritos before seeing a scary movie about ghosts. Don't need to go into details ... just don't do it anymore.

Paranormal Activity 3 Real-Time Review

10/18/11 2:30 p.m. I was supposed to go play poker tonight. I had received an email a few days ago from Paramount asking -- actually begging -- me to go see Paranormal Activity 3, the latest chapter in their successful franchise about a pissed-off goat boy spirit that hates women. Normally, I would brush this invite off because I can go see any movie I want to for free, anytime I want. That's one of the perks of being so devilishly handsome. You can get away with anything you want in this town. That, and I'm sleeping with half the female employees at various theaters across the city. But, the poker game tonight was RAZZ and I've never played that variation before. So, instead of wasting $40, I figured I'd waste two hours of time by seeing what this prequel/sequel/prequel/prequel had to offer.

10/18/11 6:15 p.m. Stuck in Los Angeles rush hour traffic after seeing a terrible, terrible movie that I'm not allowed to talk about. No it's not PA 3. Stupid embargo. Wish I could tell you guys how bad the movie I saw was, but it'll have to wait for another ... <BEEP!> <BEEP!> “HEY ASSHOLE I HAVE THE RIGHT OF WAY!” God, I hate this city.

10/18/11 7:20 p.m. I'm back home and I'm starving. Had to get Del Taco really quick before leaving to go see PA 3. Man, this food is disgusting. I don't even know if this is real chicken. And what's up with their tortillas? They taste like paper towels. Wait, that actually is a piece of paper towel in my burrito. Ugh.

10/18/11 8:45 p.m. It's madness here at the Arclight in Hollywood. There are people everywhere, all waiting to go see this movie. I walked by them all, flashing my "reserved seating" and "food voucher" passes. I got a lot of middle fingers, which were well deserved because I'm being a total prick.

10/18/11 9:43 p.m. I'm supposed to be on a gym diet and I'm drinking Sprite and eating popcorn. I'm disgusted with myself. Especially since I don't have Sour Patch Kids. Only 15 more minutes until the movie starts. It's getting packed in here. Some chick saved an entire row for her friends, and out of protest I threw my Sprite in her face. Great. Now I don't have any soda.

10/18/11 10:03 p.m. Some dude from some movie website is introducing the film. He's doing a terrible job of it, stumbling over his words. At least I don't have to look at Harry Knowles' ginger devil beard on screen like I had to for the first PA. And it looks like Brad Miska from Bloody Disgusting decided not to embarrass himself again by standing up front, looking like a deer caught in headlights. Good decision, Brad.

10/18/11 10:07 p.m. The movie is finally starting. If you're not sure what it's about, it takes place before the first two Paranormal movies, and tells the story of Katie (Paranormal Activity 1) and her sister Kristie (Paranormal Activity2) as kids and how the minotaur goat thingy started haunting them. It's done through found footage like the first two films. PA 3 was directed by Henry Joost and Ariel Schulman, the two guys who did that “documentary” Catfish a couple of years ago. I wish I could put bigger quotation marks around documentary.

10/18/11 10:10 p.m. Hey, that almost-fat girl from the first movie is in this. And she's with the girl that was in the second PA. They're talking about all of these VHS tapes that are boxed up from when they were kids. Is this a segue? Bum bum bum bum.

10/18/11 10:21 p.m. What a segue! It's now the 1980s! The movie doesn't take long in diving right into the story of Katie and Kristie as kids. The little girls playing them (Chloe Csengery and Jessica Tyler Brown, respectively) are very talented young actors. My kids better be this good at acting when I decide to have children. I should probably stop throwing sodas in women's faces, though, or that's never going to happen. Dennis (Christopher Nicolas Smith) and his wife Julie (Lauren Bittner) are playing the parents who will undoubtedly annoy me at some point.

10/18/11 10:30 p.m. Okay, the movie isn't taking too long with introducing the spirit. After some strange activity with Katie talking to her invisible friend Toby and the parents experiencing some strange knocking sounds in the house, the “Night #1 or Night #Whatever” adventure begins after Dennis sets up cameras around the house to capture whatever it is that causing the phenomenon. Julie is still oblivious to all of this because she's in the kitchen making sandwiches like she should be. Well, that was sexist.

10/18/11 10:40 p.m. Hooooley crap, I just made a terror face. That scare got me really good. Dennis keeps trying to tell his wife about the strange activity around the house, but she's been ignoring him because he's a slacker who doesn't have a job. Alright, I'm officially hooked. The girls know that something is wrong because Toby is starting to act like a total dick. Maybe deadly spirits don't like playing teatime, sweetie. Ever think of that?

10/18/11 10:51 p.m. Christ. I think I just fart-screamed. The scares are way more frequent than they were in Paranormal Activity 2.

10/18/11 10:53 p.m. Ok, the babysitter is here. And you know the babysitter is going to get fucked with big time in a ghost story mo ... oh, crap. Please don't turn around. Okay, I kind of want to go home now. I'm getting too freaked out. The ghost/spirit thingy just crept up behind the babysitter, wearing a sheet like in the Charlie Brown Halloween cartoon. And it was effective. And I'm now nervous. And I accidentally stepped on my popcorn bucket after jumping out of my seat.

10/18/11 11:04 p.m. Dennis' friend Randy (Dustin Ingram) has been helping Dennis with the footage. Of course Dennis doesn't want to do to the logical thing and leave the house. He wants to find out “what the spirit wants.” Hey moron, if a poltergeist demon thing is rearranging your furniture in a not-so-nice way, it might be time to not worry about what it wants. And if it's scaring the crap out of your kids, maybe you should think of them first. This guy is as much of a dick as Micah was in the first movie. I think every guy in these PA films deserves what's coming to them. Except for Randy, and after what happens to him in the bathroom he ... well, I don't want to spoil it.

10/18/11 11:22 p.m. I almost closed my eyes during one of the footage scenes. This movie is freaking me the eff out and horror movies usually don't scare me. Even though it's a recycled idea, writer Christopher B. Landon has done a great job of keeping the audience engaged. None of this was shown in the trailers or clips is in the movie, which means they shot a ton of footage for this film and cut together the best scares they could from all of it. If you want to get into the actual logic of the story, none of it really makes sense. When Dennis digs deeper into the family history, it appears as if the family has a history of being haunted. At least I think that's what's happening. That's the problem with this movie: The editing is killing the actual story. It's too jumbled and pieces seem to be missing that would explain a lot of things. But whatever, it's a bunch of pissed off ghosts. Who cares if it makes sense?

10/18/11 11:40 p.m. OHMYGODDONTGOINTHEREYOUIDIOT!

10/18/11 11:41 p.m. Is this movie over yet? Because I'm now sweating and I want to leave. The scares have been so frequent that I haven't had time to catch my breath and things are becoming even more and more intense. Who knew that these two young directors could put together such a compelling film? Or get such great performances out of their actors? Kudos to these guys for a job well done. (Your Catfish movie still sucked.)

10/18/11 11:45 p.m. Oh, thank God it's over. Yes, I have a zillion “But why did ... ?” questions running through my head, but the movie delivered what it promised – scares. Lots and lots of scares. Bring on Paranormal Activity 4. I should be emotionally ready for it by the time it comes out next year.

10/19/11 3:01 a.m. I haven't slept all night and I'm a nervous wreck. Stupid Paranormal movies. I don't even believe in ghosts, but now I'm convinced one is under my bed waiting for me to get up so it can grab my ankles and pull me into the netherworld. Now what do I do? Oh, Kevin Smith's new movie Red State is on Netflix Instant. I'll watch this. It'll keep me awake until the sun comes ... zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

Free spiritual advice when you follow El Guapo on Twitter!