Balls of Steel™: Let’s Be Friends

People love to share advice about breaking in. For example, “It’s who you know.” How many times have you heard that one?

Oh, another favorite, “Just write a great script, and the cream will rise to the top.” I literally gagged typing that. As if someone will magically find your great script on your hard drive without you ever having to put any effort into networking.

Of course, you have to write a great script. That’s the bare minimum. Shocker. But there’s more…so much more. You guessed it. I’m about to pile onto that unsolicited advice.

Today, let’s stick with “Who You Know.”

For the record, just knowing someone doesn’t make them want to shove open the iron gates to Hollywood for you. Those suckers are heavy. You need to earn that effort.

First, who are these mythical people you need to know? Well, they aren’t who you think. You don’t need to know the top exec at A24 or WME, though, that would certainly be a plus. You need…a friend. Someone who recognizes you as a good person, not just a great writer.

Surprise! Nobody helps someone they don’t like. And they certainly don’t stick their necks out to open doors for them either. Imagine how many years it took that person to build their own network. They will, justifiably, guard it. 

I mean, when was the last time you went out of your way to help a person you met five minutes ago or someone who makes you cringe when you get the millionth text alert from them, asking for yet another favor?

Uh oh, now you have two goals: To meet industry people and get them to like you.

I hope you’re up for the challenge.

In-person events allow you to see the whites of people's eyes to get a "spidey sense" of their personality. We used to be able to meet executives’ assistants at screenwriting conferences, like Great American Pitchfest. (Sidenote: I’m not going to debate whether those events could break a writer in, but I can say, they were worth it for me for the networking. I’ve written about them before.) I met so many industry people there who are still my friends more than a decade later…but those pitching events are long gone.

People also used to be more open to making connections on social media, but, now? Well, that’s complicated. Politics polluted those spaces, and intolerance to differing viewpoints made it even harder. People fled to other platforms. Good luck finding them or getting a response to a post. No one has time to juggle half a dozen social accounts, let alone figure out the algorithms that change every five minutes.

Did I mention cancel culture? Oh, that made people scared to say anything at all, even “hello!”

Gosh, Jeanne, you’re making this sound impossible!

Hmmm, I guess I am. Sorry. But I’m a tough-love, hard-truths person, so we’re gonna keep on keeping on.

Let’s say you do find that insider you’ve been hunting down on all the socials—sliding into their DMs isn’t how it works either. They don’t have time to care about some rando, asking to read their “great” script. Instead, share interesting articles, anything that can help other writers learn. Show your fabulous personality. Join screenwriting chats like #scriptchat, which started in 2009 and still takes place (almost) every Sunday on X and now the first Friday of the month on BlueSky. Yes, I still run it. It's my pay-it-forward to the community. Lots of great people there. 

Remember, we’re trying to make genuine connections that will lead to friendships, even if just casual friendships. They don’t need to be your BFF, but you do need to command their respect.

Put your common-sense hat on and think of how you made connections with real-life people. Yes, I’m talking about true, organic connections…the kind that turn into solid friendships. That is the goal.

I bet developing those bonds took an investment of time, mutual interests, and lots of convos where you never asked, “What can you do for me?”

But I also suspect that if you asked one of your closest friends for help, they’d jump at the chance to make your life a little easier. Simply because you have shown respect for them, their time, their opinions, and their…friendship.

So, where do you meet these helpful, friendly, and kind unicorns?

Stop pursuing the Big Guy and pay attention to the Little Guy. The assistants to the assistants will be studio heads someday. Plus, everyone hops from job to job, usually getting a little higher up the ladder each time. Maybe today they’re working for a company that only produces horror scripts, but next year, they might be at a place that’s searching for that comedy you have in your back pocket.

Go to conferences, industry events, and film festivals and introduce yourself to the speakers and indie filmmakers. But also introduce yourself to the person seated to the left and to the right of you. They are your peers. They need connections, too. And, again, you never know where they may end up—perhaps a script reader for a producer, or become a director, or maybe work in the wardrobe department of your favorite TV show, or…you see where I’m going here.

Stay in touch with EVERYONE! Send follow-up emails, holiday cards, reach out just to say hi and ask for nothing. And I mean nothing! More on that later.

Play the Kevin Bacon, six-degrees-of-separation game. You might already have friends of friends who know somebody who knows somebody else. Don’t underestimate your own network, both personal and professional. Dig out that yearbook, pull up a spreadsheet and get started.

But don’t force friendships. They need to be genuine. Sincerity is as critical as kindness. You need to share the risk of putting yourself out there. And most importantly, you need to give back. Pay it forward. The health of the friendship rests on you as well.

And be fun! Have a positive attitude. No one wants to hang out with a complainer, or someone who brings a party down. Show humor, cleverness, and creativity. Much of your success as a writer will depend on if you are “good in a room.”

What do I mean by that?

Once you get that manager, they’ll send you out on generals, meaning the “water bottle tour” of meeting one exec after another. They want to see if you’re the type of person they may want to work with, if you’re interesting and…not a freak. Any project they may offer you in the future means years of collaboration.

No one wants to work closely with a whiny, moaning dud.

When you finally meet someone for coffee to actually discuss your career, start with small talk. Get to know them. Don’t dive in for “the ask.” Don’t ask at all. Let them offer. A great relationship isn’t like a cup of instant coffee. You need to work at it and let it simmer.

If you want specific examples of how the art of not asking worked for me, I wrote a piece years ago about the “Secret to Finding a Screenwriting Mentor”. That advice still holds true today. Go read it.

And, please, for all things that are holy, check your social media feeds. Start deleting the drunk posts, or ones you made in a fit of rage. Sure, they may have been relevant to that split-second moment in your life, but are they helpful for your career?

Ponder that for a bit. Because your new friends could quickly become old friends after doing a little stalking.

Real talk here. As someone whose been around the sun more than a few times, I’ve learned a thing or two. Usually from my mistakes. But this, I know is true—some of the most valued qualities in friendship are patience, being a good listener, and respect. Sitting in silence while someone else speaks shows humility, trust, and grace.

We all need more of that. And we can all use a few more true friends who would love nothing more than to see us succeed.

Making lasting friendships isn’t rocket science. In fact, we learned the simple secret in kindergarten—be nice, share your toys, and don’t be a jerk. It’s not that hard…well, for most people. I’ve blocked the ones who found kindness too laborious. But for the ones who are genuine and kind, I'd do anything. Well, just about.