Breaking & Entering Query Letters: Dos & Don'ts Drawn from a Real Query Critiques

I started teaching at the UCLA Graduate Producer Program, working with aspiring producers and writers while I was still president of Debra Hill’s production company. Abandoning ringing phones and piles of scripts to head across town in rush hour traffic ensured that, as the professor, I was the last one in the door – huffing and puffing! But it made me determined to make up for that with great content.

Real world anecdotes are great, but only go so far – I wanted the industry literally in the room. This led to panels of writers, development execs, studio execs and reps. But not just for simple Q&A. I held fly on the wall meetings with writers, developing story ideas, and bringing in panels of pros to hear pitches.

One element I’ve incorporated when teaching loglines and queries: inviting students to submit their work for on-the-spot critique. The rapid-fire feedback is constructive yet blunt, just as work is assessed to in real life. Kudos to the courage of those who submitted – it created a dynamic learning opportunity for everyone in the room.

I’ve written columns on how to write the killer query, how to handle follow-up, and the secret to flipping the odds in your favor – as well as what not to do so your letter gets results not regrets. Yet this single page of paper remains challenging for most writers no matter where they are in their careers. Hoping to capture a bit of that classroom magic, I’ve turned the notes on a real query into a column with takeaways for everyone.

Get Specific from the Start

No generic query letters. This is not a one-size fits all. When you haven’t done your research on the recipient it shows. We can tell when you’re simply plugging in our name and company.

Prove your research has led you to think that the recipient would be responsive to what you have.
If you’ve met us or have an actual connection or referral, let us know immediately. This is a big boost so make the most of it!
Next, include the title and the tone – tone being far more specific than genre alone. Aside from getting specific about genre, try “in the vein of” two big, successful, films.
Genre/tone must be upfront and before the logline so we know how to interpret what follows.
Now include a terrific logline. Show us what you’ve got so we can decide if it is something we want and need. Don’t count words or commas or adhere to other online logline advice. Pros don’t do that; neither should you.

TIME WASTERS:

Don’t introduce yourself: “Hi, my name is Jane Writer and…” It’s in your email. It’s in the closer. This is not a conversation. It reads as “inexperienced.”
No taglines. You are not a marketing exec – don’t attempt to be and quite possibly fail. We’re looking for substance, not pith. Create something that sells itself.
“It’s THIS meets THAT” offers a mashup for story not tone, may not communicate clearly, and can be more puzzling than clear.

The Heart of the Matter

Now we’re into the core of the query. You might feel I’ve skipped steps when saying “Now include a terrific logline,” but as promised, this is brief and blunt. I’ve written about the essential elements of loglines and how to craft one many times.

Your goal should be:

Convey the story, character, conflict and stakes.
I’ve yet to come across a great protagonist that could not be described in a logline with two solid, juicy adjectives that are in direct opposition to each other.
Convince us that it's unique while delivering on genre expectations.
Enable us to identify the audience.

Following the logline:

A brief additional paragraph expanding on the story if needed. If the idea is truly high concept, then you should not need more.
This is the place to reveal the big twist if there is one.
A lean paragraph on why you are THE person to tell this story – only if it genuinely strengthens the case. This is where you might share your inspiration, your background that makes you uniquely qualified, or your unique point of view. It’s also a place to tout your chops: productions, sales, options, contest wins or placing. That’s in descending order of importance.
Comps only earn their place when it’s clear why the successful and well-known films cited are a good reference – similar in story, tone, theme, or target audience?

If the story is not set here and now, include that with the title and genre tone. “Set in deep space one thousand years from now.” “In 14^th Century Scotland.” OR it can be the opening phrase of the logline.

Keep your synopsis paragraph lean:

Focus on the narrative through line and protagonist’s arc.
Essential detail over the extraneous. What we must know to grasp the story.
We don't need every character’s name. It helps to name the protagonist. Always do so if it is a real person who is widely known.
Limit backstory as it is not part of the story.

BIG BONUS POINTS:

A paragraph after the synopsis that most often starts, “At its heart/At its core, this is a story about…” This is an ideal way to convey the theme and show the universal appeal.

TIME WASTERS:

Don't mention what else you have. That's irrelevant to this project.
Don’t tell us that your script has received great coverage – we don’t care about the opinion of anonymous readers and it makes you look green as grass.
No Selling: Don’t tell us that the story will appeal to a broad audience! The story should convince us. Avoid talking up sequel potential – I’ve been pitched the closing shot with the sequel supered over! Not even top marketing execs know this until the first movie is a box office success. And please, not the ever popular, “This will be the highest grossing movie of all time!”
Nothing about ancillary markets – this could be spun off as a TV series, a comic book, an animated version, an amusement park ride, et al. Yes, real examples from real queries! As above, you are not a marketing exec.
Telling us you’ll sign a release – it’s nonnegotiable. You should know this.
Thanking us for our time is a time waste. Someone began a paragraph this way, continued for an entire paragraph, and then thanked me again. A simple, “Let me know if you would like to read the script” will suffice.

SHOOTING YOURSELF IN THE FOOT:

Never attach the screenplay. We can’t read it, and if you don’t know that then you appear not yet ready to work professionally.
Never include the first ten pages. You may be hoping to intrigue us but are more likely to solidify a pass. And see above.
Never ask us to sign an NDA. As above.

Small Things Speak Volumes

If you can’t write a solid letter, you have convinced us you’re unlikely to produce a readable – much less compelling – script.

Yes, this is a writing sample:

Errors reflect poorly on your writing ability and professionalism.
Hone, proof, polish, repeat. And again.
No visual clutter like parentheticals – it’s either important or it’s out.

Outstanding writing with a distinctive voice? That’s what gets us hot and bothered.

She Shoots; She Scores

I hope the brave writer who opened themselves up to no-punches-pulled feedback was able to take those notes and elevate their query. And that others in class, even if they had different issues, walked away with pointers to apply to their own work. That’s what it’s all about – listening to notes, filtering the feedback, applying what will enhance your material.

If writing is rewriting, then your query deserves no less than your script. Remember, the one and only goal of a query is always the same – to make us want to read your script. Take your absolute best shot.

Once you’ve done a rewrite, step back and then take another look. The one thing great queries share is a unity of tone throughout. If it’s a comedy, that is reflected in the title, in the conflicts conveyed in the logline, in the character description. Every word you choose should work together to support the tone and convey your voice.

Happy revising!

Breaking and Entering query letter tips Query Letters Screenwriting screenwriting career

Barri EvinsAuthor

Barri Evins draws on decades of industry experience to give writers practical advice on elevating their craft and advancing their career. Her next SCREENWRITING ELEVATED online seminar with 7 monthly sessions plus mentorship will be announced in 2025. Breaking & Entering is peppered with real life anecdotes – good, bad, and hilarious – as stories are the greatest teacher. A working film producer and longtime industry executive, culminating in President of Production for Debra Hill, Barri developed, packaged, and sold projects to Warners, Universal, Disney, Nickelodeon, New Line, and HBO. Known for her keen eye for up and coming talent and spotting engaging ideas that became successful stories, Barri also worked extensively with A-List writers and directors. As a writer, she co-wrote a treatment sold in a preemptive six-figure deal to Warners, and a Fox Family project. As a teacher and consultant, Barri enables writers to achieve their vision for their stories and succeed in getting industry attention through innovative seminars, interactive consultations, and empowering mentorship. Follow her on Facebook or join her newsletter. Explore her Big Ideas website, to find out about consultations and seminars. And check out her blog, which includes the wit and wisdom of her pal, Dr. Paige Turner. See Barri in action on YouTube. Instagram: @bigbigideas Twitter: @bigbigideas